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Arkham Security Guard

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Security Guard

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Biographical information

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Born
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Gotham City

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Died
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At the hands of Deadpool?

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Career

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Occupation
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Security Guard

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Companies
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Arkham Asylum.

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Other work of note
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He worked for the Weapon X Program. (Or did he?)

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"Spines straight! Stay in line."
―The Arkham Security Guard talking to himself in a library.


The unnamed Arkham Security Guard is some random guy who worked at Arkham Asylum. Born and raised in Gotham City, this guard is living proof that Arkham Asylum is the dumbest place you could ever get a job at.

Little is known of the past of the one-time security guard of Arkham Asylum. His first act of record was to sign up as security for Arkham Asylum (In its history, all of the asylum's previous guards had been killed in numerous breakouts for the amusement of the inmates). This guard remains unnamed, with no public record of his previous existence. Some say he was the product of a spell conjured by the Sentinels of Magic gone wrong, so they decided to hire him out for dangerous work. Others state that perhaps he was simply placed in his position by God, who saw that Arkham needed a new security man. His features are never really shown, due to his tinted protective helmet, which is ideal for blocking unruly inmates and the tomatoes usually thrown at their least favorite guard's face.

The security guard of Arkham Asylum was hired due to his intense dedication to Arkham's mission statement and his understanding the need to make inmates' escapes as easy as possible. At first, this man worked as a guard and a bouncer for a local tavern, but quickly signed up at Arkham after getting fired. With Arkham through thick and thin, the guard has seen it all. His most memorable experience was his unsuccessful attempt to feebly defend Aunt Lumpy during the Custard Rebellion at the asylum, when the inmates rose up to kill the self-proclaimed cook and eradicate her cooking from threatening mankind again. When finally fired by the Joker as a practical joke, the guard was assumed to have been subject to a demonstration of how to sharpen the Joker's pencil, but was mentioned to have later been killed in Deadpool's (un)reliable story of his origin, which takes place in another reality. Even in death, this security guard managed to provide a little entertainment for Abraham Lincoln before the latter caused him to decompose and disintegrate an an alarming rate for his own amusement.

HistoryEdit

Known BackgroundEdit

The Arkham Asylum Security Guard was some regular guy unfortunate stupid enough to join Arkham Asylum's lower staff. He was deemed fit for a career at Arkham Asylum, where they worked hard to make the inmates’ escape plans as easy as possible for them. During his orientation, he not only demonstrated ridiculously poor judgment, but little if any sense of self preservation during his career.

At first, the unnamed security guard worked as a guard and bouncer for a bar frequented by Killer Croc, the Riddler, and Amygdala. However, he was fired from his old job because he failed in throwing out all the third-rate losers who took to drinking there with no real money. Broke, the guard decided he would apply for the only other armed guard position in Gotham, Arkham Asylum. After all, isn't a vacation spot for mass murderers and other macaroni-heads in life sure to need some security?

Arkham AsylumEdit

As it happened, the exasperated director of Arkham let this guard sign up, since he hoped to keep the level of 90 percent inmate escapes from rising to 100 (Poor for business). Therefore, at around the same time as Aunt Lumpy and Ignacio Fuentes joined Arkham Asylum, as a cook and janitor, respectively, this man became the security guard at Arkham Asylum.

The guard's ability to stay alive saw him gain a good position in Arkham Asylum (Mainly due to his trusty crash helmet and his carrying of a nightstick and firearm). However, his tendency to acquire sudden deathwishes left him with many scars and critical injuries.

Not unlike El Janitor, this guard's patrolling of the corridors saw him get friendly with many of the inmates of Arkham Asylum, including the Joker, the real head of the asylum, now nicknamed 'Joker Asylum'. However, things changed for the guard's easy existence within the arrival of Dr. Harleen Quinzel, Arkham's newest psychologist, who decided to cure the Joker of any mental illnesses. After meeting with him, she came to the conclusion that she should dress in a harlequin costume to gain his approval. Running around Arkham shooting everyone, security was called (After all, this was supposed to be a safe vacation spot for inmates). The guard fared rather poorly in trying to calm down the ex-psychologist, being thrown headfirst into a nearby garbage can. The newly dubbed 'Harley Quinn' then used his gun to reload her own weapon, but the Joker stopped her. Reluctantly, Arkham evicted Quinn from the premises.

The Joker, however, soon grew tired of the asylum's director and had him carted off with the rest of the trash by El Janitor. Killer Croc appeared on the scene shortly afterwards, the Joker having taken a liking to him. Sadly, however, Croc grew tired of Arkham and beat up this security guard to help him escape. (A tad unnecessary, given that the asylum doors were open the entire time).

During the Custard Rebellion among the inmates that occurred after Aunt Lumpy cooked some horrible food and the inmates broke out to kill Lumpy and destroy her cooking. They eventually managed to succeed in storming Aunt Lumpy's kitchens. The guard ran to the scene, gun drawn, but was trampled by the onrush of inmates and his revolver taken from him.

Whilst the inmates who rose up with the help of El Janitor were successful in destroying her kitchen, unfortunately they weren't able to kill Aunt Custard. At the last minute, she shovelled her infamous tofu into the mouths of her would be killers, meaning that they died instead.

After this, the security guard was assigned by the Arkham Cell Keepers to guard Aunt Custard so that her Tofu wouldn't be lost for the inmmates. Although it was so disgusting, the Cell Keepers wanted to cause the inmates pain, so they kept Aunt Custard in her position as Cook at Arkham Asylum, despite the complaints of the patients. While this cut the flow of eager villain vacationers to Arkham to a trickle, Custard continued serving up her tofu.

However, when Aunt Lumpy fed the Cell Keepers bad food too, they got bored of her. They thus assigned this guard in throwing her into one of Arkham's own padded cells, where the inmates could finally have their revenge on her. When he failed miserably due to her enormous size, Aunt Lumpy tried to consume the guard but ended up eating El Janitor instead. Finally, when Arkham was able to get Lumpy in a celll (which involved the combined efforts of many Cell Keepers and inmates alike) the inmates tore her apart and fed her to each other in an epic battle.

Some time later, the Joker considered budget cuts for the asylum staff. Since there was no one else to fire but the security guard, he threw the man into a nearby dumpster, ending his job as guard of Arkham. Still dressed in his uniform and body armour, the security guard took to the streets. He even turned up drinking in the same bar he'd worked his first job at. Eventually, he ended up as a pizza delivery man and coffee guy for Killer Moth, venting his frustration on the would-be villain after a day at his new job.

The guard then went back onto the streets, where he shot a homeless man trying to mug him with a machete. He never maximized the full potential in his skills, hanging out with other down-and-out losers in picking needless fights (All of which he lost). Finally, he went back to the Joker begging for his old job back. In a rare display of compassion, the Joker gave the security guard his former job back, and gave him a bonus. When Doomsday was admitted to Arkham Asylum, he was escorted to his cell by the security guard. Unfortunately, Doomsday was not in for a lengthy stay at Arkham, since he received word that Duela Dent was claiming to be his daughter. Breaking out of his cell, he tried to persuade the guard to let him escape. After much pestering, begging, cajoling, and a roll of banknotes, the guard complied and allowed him to leave. It was then that the Joker decided to fire the security man as a practical joke.

Later LifeEdit

The guard spent the next month living on the steps of Arkham Asylum, trying to beg the Joker for his old job back, but failed in trying to move the anarchist. Some unconfirmed reports stated that the Joker was overheard talking about having used the ex-guard to sharpen his pencil, since he had found the guard's pestering to be annoying, and apparently most thought him dead at the Joker's hands.

A year later, however, the same security guard appears to have survived, and is implied to have used Doomsday's bribe to buy off a multiverse/reality traveler to have him transported to another reality. He miraculously turned up working as a guard for the Weapon X Project, where scientists were working to create a 'super soldier' known only as Deadpool. When the experiment was deemed a failure, they turned Deadpool over to Dr. Killebrew, a mad scientist involved in the project, whose lab was guarded by this security guard. According to Deadpool, he mutilated Dr. Killebrew, murdered him, and broke out of the lab, killing this guard in the process. He then used the dead man's revolver to blast his way out of the facility.

Some persistent rumors continue to question Deadpool's story and insist that the same security guard continues to frequent many of Gotham's bars. Whatever the case, the guard's rotting corpse was later discovered, along with several others, by Abraham Lincoln in a dump outside of the hideout of one-time loser criminal Ra's al Ghul. Lincoln reanimated the bodies and turned them on each other for his own amusement, before causing them to decompose at an alarming rate, vaporizing themselves.

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