- "Attention Security, Attention Security, we have a prison break in pro..."
- ―The unfortunate victim of a Featured Inmate's breakout
Featured Inmates are the best articles Arkhampedia has to offer. That doesn't necessarily mean the funniest. Featured Inmates are the most well-written, complete and original articles on the wiki. This is a list of past present and future Featured Inmates. To nominate a Featured Inmate, go to the featured inmates nominations.
Drury Walker became obsessed with the Batman at a young age and went insane trying to become the Killer Moth, one of the many criminal wannabes of Gotham City. After being released from prison for tax fraud, Walker assumed the identity of Cameron van Cleer, a millionaire philanthropist and friend of Bruce Wayne. As the Killer Moth was spawned, another "tragic" tale was as well. Through boozing, drugs, partying and prostitutes, the Killer Moth beat the odds... of not being killed on day one of his criminal career by Batman. But yeah, he did die. After experimenting with a powerful drug named "Charaxes", Killer Moth grew further insane and became a giant, beastly creature and eventually killed himself, doing a major favor for mankind.
Bateman was a tight-fitting-spandex-wearing-monkey-abusing-woman-saving-child-rescuing-Joker-fighting thing. He was kinda like Superman, Pimp from the Stars. But he wasn't from the Stars. Nor was he a Pimp. Nor was he really that Super and he wasn't even really a man. So he's not very much like Superman, Pimp from the Stars. He'll try and tell you he is. But he's not. A lot of misspellings have seen this thing's name spelt as "Batman". This could, possibly, be due to his fetish for bats. Although I can't see why anyone would maintain an interest in the very strange fetish of what is undoubtedly a very strange person. But, still, they did. Bateman was somewhat of a self proclaimed author. His most famous work, To Kill a Mockingbat, was critically acclaimed by the inhabitants of Gotham City, despite the fact that it really was pretty all round terrible.
The Teen Titans, also commonly known as The Titans, New Titans, The New Teen Titans, The Mini Justice League, or Those Meddling Kids, is a group of teenaged superheroes out to prove to the world that they are just as good as their older counterparts. Originally founded under Nightwing after he went solo, the team changed into more of a partying crew than the former protege of the Batman would have liked, leading to the team being dismantled and remade several times since its first incarnation. Instead of constantly fighting crime like Nightwing had originally wanted to, the team now centers around sex, drugs, and booze.
Hello there, I'm Deadpool. You could also call me Wade Wilson, The Merc with a Mouth, or That guy with the spots on his face and body. And no, I know what your going to ask, and you'd better not. I'll have you know everything is just fine down there.
You look confused. Surprised I'm talking directly to you, instead of being described in third person by some nerd? I don't roll that way. You see that fourth wall, the one that separates me from you? I break that wall with my mighty Kong fu chop!
My life is hard to describe, considering the fact that I know nothing about my former life. Hell, I'm pretty sure Wade Wilson ain't my real name. I think I jacked it of some dude or some shit. Well, we can blame our beloved Weapon X project for that, can't we? Fucking bastards, taking lives away like that. Who knows, maybe I learned something that is a mystery to me in this life back then. Like why nobody slapped that bitch from the Weakest Link back when she was in charge of the show.
Man, I love this sites policies. I can curse however fucking much I want and not get in trouble. Its like all my fucking world will rain down fire on me if I say "You're a dick" to Captain America. Oh, shit, I'm getting of topic.
So, sit down and gets something to drink, preferably Scotch so I can jack it, and lets learn the mysteries of me!
The Joker was considered a cultural genius and philosopher during his time. He was also devout Archaist. He knew he was ahead of his time and he knew it. He knew he had to lead his people, the Gothanites and Anarchists, the road never traveled on. In his life he faced many hardships and pains, but came out on top as Anarch-Pope. The Joker was also famous for the defeat of infamous urban terrorist, Batman.
God, sometimes known as Lucius Fox, was the creator of all. He has run earth like an expert store clerk since the beginning of time. In all this time, however, life has become dull for him. So, he continually does things to stir up the pot. His main identity is that of Lucius Fox, the tailor and weapons dealer to The Dark Knight.
He made the Batman's arsenal with disguised holy items, and came out with some of the finest items of all time. And somewhere along the way, he manages too still rule all universes.
He also created the League of Assassins, a group of assassins lead by God under the name Sloan.
From Gotham City to the elite assassins of Japan, over the universe to New York City and at your local Arbees, God is on the streets ready to mess with your life. But firstly and foremost, he has to do the one thing that completes his life: Help the Batman.
Baleman, also known as Christian Bale and Gotham Psycho was a man many men found to be "appealing". For some reason, only men liked Baleman in an addictive, twisted and fetish-like manner. We all know Sibi's a man, and Baleman's mother sure as hell doesn't like him! But, my dear Bale lover, (for that is why you are here, and don't you dare deny it!) let's not give sympathy to Bale's mother. For those filthy whores Bale condemns are not worthy of sympathy, love or any such emotions! Bale hath cursed them, and thou shalt not give sympathy to them nor love. Comprende?
Baleman's not a very nice man, really, in terms of personality. I can't see what anyone likes in his hunky figure, big pecs and manly attitutde! Baleman was a mass murdering yuppie, known throughout Gotham City due to the fact his name was so similar to Bateman's, leading some people to get the two confused. But we all know Baleman was more badass, despite not knowing God so much. But Baleman's better than God, and we all know that, don't we? This led to his name being changed to Gotham Psycho in the eyes of the general public, because he was a bit... well... um... crazy?
Dick Grayson, also known as Nightwing, was the first Robin in the batman family. He worked beside Batman for many years after his carnival parent's deaths, kicking in the gut the dark knight's leftovers. One day, feeling unwanted, he left the caped crusader's side to prove he wasn't a waist of space in the Batcave, becoming Nightwing, wannabe protector of the night.
What followed was the slow downwards fall of a formerly decent sidekick into a wannabee leader of the Teen Titans, a failed solo hero, and an abusive alcoholic. A man wh's insecurities killed him slowly, but just as surely as the Bat's enemies would have.
This is the story of Nightwing, the insecure sidekick turned drunk.
Duela Dent's history varies from day to day. One day, she'll say she's the result of the Joker and Harley Quinn's angry sex. Another she'll state she was born to a gypsy who was raped by Wildebeest. Some days she thinks she was born in Arkham Asylum after Two-Face made love to Poison Ivy. On occasion she'll say that she was born to Catwoman and Batman after their disastrous affair. Once a week she goes with the story that she was the reborn baby sister of the Riddler. Every two years she states she was a clone of one of the Penguin's female minions. On occasion she says she was the result of drug induced sex between the Scarecrow and Starfire when she worked as a prostitute in Gotham City. Twice a month she says she was the result of Doctor Light getting paid to donate his sperm to a woman that couldn't have children. Once every other Sunday she insists she is the albino daughter of Tupac and Jessica Simpson.
Not only did Dent's past change, but she also changed her name and, indeed, her continuity! Duela Dent also went under the name of Mary Jane Watson, in her attempts to not only gain complete and utter domination of Gotham City but also to bed Peter Parker in addition to Bateman. I don't think any of us can really, truly understand why this particular firecrotch decided to stoop to the level of men such as Bateman and Peter Parker. Well, Bateman wasn't really a man. He was more of a... pencil. She did see the error of her ways, however, and ran away from Bateman and the child of hers and his. She was so desperate to escape this life that she even jumped continuities to escape him, taking on the name of Mary Jane Watson!
LOL DENIED was a saying used by many of the villains and superheroes across many of the cities of the world. Gotham City saw a lot of action from the LOL DENIED frontier, as did New York city. That's most likely because each one had their share of assholes (Here and here) who really needed to be DENIED. Wolverine had this idea that if he stood up and told someone to just bugger off, using his claws to emphasise the point, he could scream LOL DENIED as they walked away and not get punished for it. This was partially true, as said DENIED people were too scared shitless of his big, manly claws to do anything about it. But he still got punished from it, by some bald, senile, old bastard.
All the best superheroes and villains had this amazing ability to be able to just stand up and scream LOL DENIED having beaten the shit out of their enemies. In fact, this saying once became very, very popular amongst the inhabitants of the cartoon world, and Gotham City even went as far as to label it as an agent of anarchy, denounce it as a person masquerading as a phrase and arrest it, whilst locking it up in Arkham Asylum. Locking up a saying. Right. And they call the saying deranged and mentally twisted...
Hooded Justice, also known as Rolf Müller, Franz Liebkind, and Franz the Two Ton Muller, was the first and only Nazi superhero known to man. A former member of the SS, Hooded Justice was a pro wrestler before the war.
When the war broke out, his strong Nazi roots forced him into service, as did his abusive father. After being wounded by a Czech sniper, he took up the name Franz Liebkind and moved from his home in Bavaria to America. He soon realized his skills as a warrior was going to waist, and decided he'd kill the man known as Hooded Justice, become a superhero, and spearhead for the return of the Nazi Party.
The only problem: He fell in love.
With a man.
Oh, that's a hell of a yarn.
Lumpy Custard, also known as Aunt Lumpy, Chef Custard, Lumpy McSexington or that fat old bitch, was the self proclaimed Chef of Arkham Asylum, where she cooked up bouts of Terrible Tofu, Reeking Risotto and, on occasion and by special demand only, Shitty Salad. Aunt Lumpy was kind of like the aunt from hell that you never really wanted. Except she wasn't your Aunt, and you didn't never really want her; you never wanted her at all. I'm not sure where Aunt Lumpy learnt to "cook", and I'm sure you aren't either, but I'm sure it must have been from something as stupid as a pencil, for the sole reason that she really couldn't cook. Her Ghoulish Goulash was disgusting, for one, and it was said that Deadpool lost what little reason and sensibility he had left after trying some of Aunt Lumpy's soup. The Joker actually suggested that this soup was so disgusting because it was self squeezed from Aunt Lumpy's breasts. No theories arose to disprove this one, so this was the general rule of thumb when dealing with Aunt Lumpy; all her food came from one of her body parts or another.
So you do not want to try it if she offers you roast camel toe; God knows where that came from.
Aunt Lumpy's food was eventually sampled by the administration of Arkham Asylum, after their pizza delivery was hijacked by a certain someone. They deemed her food too strange and twisted even for the inhabitants of Arkham Asylum, and so locked her up in the Asylum for claiming to be a Chef. Which, if you knew Aunt Lumpy, obviously was the right move. She was fed her own food and ended up dead. Thank God.
Ignacio Fuentes, also known as El Janitor, who had the words shouted at him so much that he often thought his name was Clean it up, asshole, was a Janitor. But he wasn't just any Janitor. He was a Janitaur, who could morph into a half bull half Janitor (kinda like the Minotaur) at night and wander around Gotham City doing weird things. Now, as you may have guessed, he wasn't normal. No. He was very strange indeed. In fact, he was so strange that he was Mexican. Yes, if you have Swine Flu right now it's doubtless down to El Janitor, his family or one of his countless incest relations. If you don't, then you soon will do. Because the second the Janitaur mops your street with his mop of doom, you know you're screwed.
The Janitaur's coming for you.
El Janitor was actually a bit of a lonely guy; he was racially insulted for being a "bully" at school, although poor young Ignacio (or Iggy Wiggy as his mother called him) had never done any bullying in his life. It was this that saw him morph into a Janitaur for the first time, pick up a broom and beat the shit out of his bullies. (DENIED) This established him a reputation as being a bit unfriendly, although poor Iggy Wiggy was actually a nice guy. Either way, it meant he had to pick up a career as a Janitor, and he chose to do so at Arkham Asylum. In the end, however, they found out about his bullshit (no, seriously, not only did he speak it but he did it) so they locked him up as an inmate. It's been suggested that he tried to kill Lumpy Custard with his broom.
But she actually ate him. Whole.
Gnora the Gnome was a small, squeaky, runty young woman (no, and this time it's not El Geeko Primo...) who fell into the category of being a Gnome. Like all Gnomes, she came from Gnome-man's land, and lived on a diet that consisted solely of monkey feces. Don't ask me why this is what a Gnome's diet consists of; it just does. That's the way these things work. If you question how these things work, you'll find yourself eating monkey feces too. So I wouldn't advise it. I really, really wouldn't. Despite her somewhat cute and friendly appearance, Nora spent a considerable deal of time in Sesame Street, and as an accomplice to the Joker himself. Suggestions that Nora might be the Joker wannabe were soon dispelled after the Joker wannabe was seen standing up at a height of over around three inches.
Nora herself did many strange and twisted things that gave rise to the idea that she was actually in love with the Joker, but had to split up working with him after she got summarily bitch slapped by Duela Dent (it was a Wednesday - on Wednesday's she's the Joker's daughter) for trying to hit on her dear old papa. Nora's next partner in crime, after a short stint with a man known only as Billy "Lol Blondz" Arrowsmith, was Catwoman, before the two of them encountered Batgirl. Batgirl didn't take kindly to a bunch of other women on her turf, stealing the men she was working so hard to seduce, and so she scared off Catwoman and flushed Nora down the toilet.
Because of this, she caught Gnomeonia and died.
Lobo Fuck yeah! Coming again to save the motherfucking day! Or wreck it, whichever he desires. Because he's Lobo who can do whatever the hell he wants and no one can stop him from doing it, not Supes, not Bats not even God. Lobo is awesome, Lobo is the best thing that ever happened, until he chooses to make something even more awesome to happen. Lobo once created a plague that killed everyone on his planet for a science project. Since he subsequently killed his teacher in the process he gave himself an A. Not even the Joker can top that.
Elizabeth Glorianna Braddock, also known as Psylocke, is the hottest of hotties. Her story started as a dull one, a nerdy girl and little sister of Captain Britain and James Braddock Jr.. Her parents came form some reality known as Otherworld, and inherited powers from them.
She was often found masquerading as a costumed crime fighter early on, but was unsuccessful due to her geeky nature. It would take a full body change to turn her from geeky girl to sex god in the eyes of men.
In truth, because of the fact that her looks brought in the boys instead of her former shape, she became a raging lesbian.
Although the body she inhabits is the body of an assassin who was a porn star on the side, she stands against such shows, and is glad to slit the throat of anyone who might believe porn is an okay pastime.
You might want to cover your mouth and lose the boner, friend. She takes great offense to that.
Superman is the original gangsta. He can beat anybody up, ever, except for the Hulk who is green, just like kryptonite.....or something. He was beating people up dressed in spandex while your grandpa was still in diapers. And anybody who says different is selling something.
Believing that his planet was about to explode, negligent parent Jor-El blasted his infant child Kal-El into space with a rocket. And without even giving him a sword. The baby landed in Smallville, Kansas where he met a young infertile couple that at this point in their lives were apparently ready to try anything. They named him Clark Kent. Growing up, Clark found himself with special powers and realized it was his responsibility to save the world, the only practical way someone able to move planets could... by solving petty crimes one at a time in a ridiculous outfit. He journeyed to Metropolis, and became a reporter for the Daily Planet, surrounding himself with journalists as what was clearly a cry for help. Calling himself Superman, he became the world's greatest hero... Man of Steel, Pimp from the Stars, Intergalactic Pick-Up Artist.
He'd like you to believe all this, that he was the last son of Krypton, a purely democratic planet a lot like his adopted America. In actually, he is the biggest cover up on the planet. Superman is a Commie spy in the United States, one with direct access to the White House. Clark Kent is a man with the power to move a planet, who worships the dictator Josef Stalin.
You think the Communist party is all but dead?
This is just the beginning.
The unnamed Arkham Security Guard is some random guy who worked at Arkham Asylum. Born and raised in Gotham City, this guard is living proof that Arkham Asylum is the dumbest place you could ever get a job at.
Little is known of the past of the one-time security guard of Arkham Asylum. His first act of record was to sign up as security for Arkham Asylum (In its history, all of the asylum's previous guards had been killed in numerous breakouts for the amusement of the inmates). This guard remains unnamed, with no public record of his previous existence. Some say he was the product of a spell conjured by the Sentinels of Magic gone wrong, so they decided to hire him out for dangerous work. Others state that perhaps he was simply placed in his position by God, who saw that Arkham needed a new security man. His features are never really shown, due to his tinted protective helmet, which is ideal for blocking unruly inmates and the tomatoes usually thrown at their least favorite guard's face.
The security guard of Arkham Asylum was hired due to his intense dedication to Arkham's mission statement and his understanding the need to make inmates' escapes as easy as possible. At first, this man worked as a guard and a bouncer for a local tavern, but quickly signed up at Arkham after getting fired. With Arkham through thick and thin, the guard has seen it all. His most memorable experience was his unsuccessful attempt to feebly defend Aunt Lumpy during the Custard Rebellion at the asylum, when the inmates rose up to kill the self-proclaimed cook and eradicate her cooking from threatening mankind again. When finally fired by the Joker as a practical joke, the guard was assumed to have been subject to a demonstration of how to sharpen the Joker's pencil, but was mentioned to have later been killed in Deadpool's (un)reliable story of his origin, which takes place in another reality. Even in death, this security guard managed to provide a little entertainment for Abraham Lincoln before the latter caused him to decompose and disintegrate an an alarming rate for his own amusement.