Striking terror into the hearts of men
- "A threat the nazi army could never have in their wildest dreams imagined."
- ― Uncle Sam
Black Condor, also known as Richard Grey, is possibly the ballsiest motherfucker in the entire DC Universe. There is no single living being who has anything on what this guy pulls off to be a superhero. Batman on crystal meth would not be brave enough to go out and be this guy. He is a member of the Freedom Fighters and the All-Star Squadron.
Wait, he was raised by VULTURES!?
Grey's path to greatness began when he was a baby. Abandoned by his parents in the wilderness, he was found by a pack of vultures who for reasons unknown decided to raise him as their own child. Growing up inside of a nest with the other birds, he ate worms every single day and apparently did not notice that he was different from all the other children until he hit puberty. Most of this time was spent trying to look cool by jumping off of rocks completely naked. Eventually, having been raised by vultures his entire life and learning their bizarre vulture secrets that only vultures know and never teach to the outside world, he taught himself how to fly. Wait... WHAT? That's not even physically fucking possible. This guy just taught himself how to fly... no super-powers, no gadgets, no nothing.
This is a man who stabs Bald Eagles to death, an endangered species by the way, for fun. Just because he can.
That doesn't even make a little bit of sense, but he doesn't care, because he's in the sky flying and there's nothing haters can do to change that. Naturally, using his superior human intellect, he masters his people and becomes King of the Vultures, ruling over them and solving their vulture-problems. Eventually his ambitions grew and he decided to return to the world of men, knowing that his vulture-powers would surely make him a superior specimen. Never mind that he had no idea how to function in a complex society, or even use basic fucking language outside of squawking his entire childhood and adult life. None of that mattered... he was going to fight crime like any decent American would.
The next thing he does is design out of material he found somewhere what is possibly the least effective and most gay costume that anyone has ever created. It is literally a loincloth and straps. He can't do anything other than fly at people, he carries no weapons... and he's basically running around all day in fetish wear. There is not a single place anywhere that this man is protected from anything you could possibly attack him with. This is not exclusive to bullets... he could realistically be taken out by anyone with a well-placed rock. His main strategy is to rely on people being too scared to do anything when attacked by a half-naked dive-bombing gimp.
By an amazing coincidence, he found a man who looked identical to him and died in a car crash, then stole his identity. That man was a Senator and Dick Grey, raised by vultures his entire life, somehow became one of the most influential politicians in the United States.
Naturally he enlists with the military at the time, right as they were entering World War II. What possible use a flying guy in a thong could ever have fighting the goddamn Nazi army escapes us, but they welcomed him with open arms and he became a member of a special super-hero task force. The files are lost to history, but the only assumption we could possibly make is that they were planning on using him as a distraction while the real heroes did something... anything else. Eventually he started carrying a gun. Uncle Sam led the team calling themselves the Freedom Fighters, also consisting of other misfit freaks like Doll Man, the Human Bomb, Phantom Lady and the Ray. Together they somehow managed to be the scourge of Germany, and after the war they actually moved on altogether to another universe just so they could kill more nazis. That is how dedicated he was to murder and ass-kicking in the name of justice.
Black Condor is altogether an inspiring legend in the war on crime. Here is a man who had everything against him... he was raised by birds, which shouldn't even be possible, and he ran around every day fighting highly-trained soldiers while wearing nothing but a bikini. Yet he taught himself super-powers that blatantly spit in the face of the laws of physics, lied his way into becoming a senator, and successfully waged war for his entire adult life on the deadliest most ruthless army ever known to man. The only advantages he had going for him at any time were determination and the sheer fucking craziness in every situation that made him a complete champion of everything in his life. Black Condor, we salute you sir. God bless America.
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