- "Sex Bomb, Sex Bomb, I'm a sex bomb! I can get it going for all day long!"
- ―Tom "Bateman" Jones.
Bateman was a tight-fitting-spandex-wearing-monkey-abusing-woman-saving-child-rescuing-Joker-fighting thing. He was kinda like Superman, Pimp from the Stars. But he wasn't from the Stars. Nor was he a Pimp. Nor was he really that super and he wasn't even really a man. So he's not very much like Superman, Pimp from the Stars. He'll try and tell you he is. But he's not. Bateman's name has often been misspelled, as it has been spelled "B.A.T.M.A.N." This could, possibly, be due to his fetish for bats. Although I can't see why anyone would maintain an interest in the very strange fetish of what is undoubtedly a very strange person. But, still, they did. Bateman was somewhat of a self proclaimed author. His most famous book, To Kill A Mockingbat, was critically acclaimed by the Gotham Citizens, despite the fact that it really was pretty all round terrible.
- "... .... ...."
- ―A pencil trying to talk.
Not much is known about the beginnings of this hideous , dark creature. It is said that, a long time ago, a monkey had a father who had a mother who had a cousin who had a brother who had a donkey who had a cow who had a lizard who knew a woman. This woman wasn't very woman-like. She wasn't even manlike. Hell, she wasn't even human. We've seen that in people before now, haven't we? Anyway... This woman had a problem, and no, this problem didn't begin with "h" and end in "erpes". This woman's problem was the odd thing she'd once done with a pencil. Needless to say, it was very, very, very odd, and it got her arrested by the diligent and loyal cops of Gotham City. But the story didn't stop there. The pencil rolled into a gutter and lived with all the other shit and refuse that fell out of the windows of a house owned by a man known only as "Nina". Now, no one knows what fell on this pencil, but the pencil became pregnant. Yes, you heard me. The pencil became pregnant.
Now, I've not heard of anything like this before. And I won't hear of it again. Neither have you. If you have heard of anything like this, you're about to receive a little visit, from a man with a pencil, who will be coming to ensure the-secrecy-of-the-pencil remains. Yes, that's a real word. The-secrecy-of-the-pencil. Now, this pencil's pregnancy continued, the eraser on the end of the pencil, in a neat, cute little metal basket like thing, began to grow and grow. The eraser grew so big it was the size of a golf ball, and was named Shirley. And then the led fell out. Yes, that's how a pencil gives birth. The lead rolled down the road and got picked up by a local boy, who dropped it in the sewer. The little, forlorn, lost and unwanted lead floated around and around for a few days until it began to grow. The lead was it's head, and soon it began to grow arms. And then legs. And then the rest of it's body formed! It was whole! Until it got hit by a bus, upon climbing out of the sewers. *Sigh.* It really, really should have quit while it was a head. But it didn't die. Somewhat broken and a little bit snapped, the lead found the miracles of spandex to save it!
Encased in a suit formed of solely spandex, the lead was held together by rubber and that same material they use in making two dildos. Yeah. That's what he was held together by. Dildo rubber. But now the little pencil had a chance at life. Gradually, the pencil lead morphed itself into a semblance of humanity, until it was almost undistinguishable from a normal human to all but those with a practised eye. But we know the truth, don't we? Ha-ha! Yes, yes we do! In an attempt to begin making a name for himself, the pencil had began using his head to scrawl signs on the sidewalk. And he came up with a name. Bruce Wayne, the most terrible of all names, so terrible that even Christian Bale would later scream: "NO, NO, SHUT THE FUCK UP BRUCE." That's how terrible it was. And it was the pencil's name. But now Mr. Wayne needed to make a name for himself. And so he managed to write himself a book, To Kill a Mockingbat, named in honor of his new found bat fetish. Now, this book wasn't good. It wasn't funny, it wasn't interesting, and it wasn't even romantic. But the people of Gotham City were bought in by this load of fucking gobshite, and so Bruce Wayne made himself a lot of money. A lot of money.
- "'Cos we are living in a material world, and I am a material girl!"
- ―Bateman, in his second book.[src]
Bateman managed to release his second book, some time after. Entitled Bateman: My Philosophy, it was the first time this thing had taken up the name of Bateman. The reasons as to why this name was taken up remain shrouded in mystery, but it's been suggested that he was named so because he was referred to as the bait for the madmen of Gotham City, and he couldn't spell the word correctly, that the pencil from which he was spawned was originally from the backwards, dirty and grubby world of Bate, or even that he was once called a "wanker" in the street. How does this relate to being called Bateman, you might ask? Well, at first Mr. Wayne was a very polite and educated man. Not like now. Calling himself "Wankerman" might not have sounded nice, especially on a book, and "Masturbateman" wouldn't have had a ring to it. But "Bateman" did. Besides, it had the letters of Bruce Wayne's animal fetish in it, the bat! But, of course, we will never know which one of these is true. We mortals can but guess in comparison to the great and holy Bateman Christian Bale, mancrush of the great Geek! By this time, the new Bateman had encountered bats, bats that he would one day do strange and twisted things to.
At this time, Bateman's books were doing very well. This meant Bateman had a lot of money. This meant Batman was able to fund his night time ventures with bats very well. His "ventures" with bats were kept a secret from the general public, for the very reason that the public might not like to read books by a man with a bat fetish. But then it came out. Bateman was taken away to Arkham Asylum, because they considered a man who wore spandex, tights, a strange uniform with a bat on and a man who actively pursued his bat fetish to be just a little bit crazy. I can understand where they're coming from but, then again I am crazy. So I would be able to. In Arkham Asylum, Bateman met an undercover agent whose name was God. Lucius "God" Fox, to be precise. It's been suggested that this man had a bit of a fetish with Foxes, hence the reason God chose to add a "Fox" to his name, however there's never been anything to prove this. Perhaps this is why Bateman and God got on so well. Who knows? In any case, God was able to teach Bateman his new found magic powers, powers that allowed Bateman and God to blast their way out of the Asylum and emerge into the real world once more! Hooray for God! Bateman, however, knew he would be forever chased by the men-in-white-suits-and-black-hats, desperate to take him back to the Asylum, so he needed to prove he was a good man really, by doing "good" things.
God and Bateman were able to hoard a lot of money and, having pooled their money, set up a dastardly, evil, malicious and malevolent corporation known only as
Spetsnaz Wayne Enterprises. There, Bateman took up his name of Bruce Wayne again, and God pretended he was just a subservient man working for his boss to make a more economically better Gotham City. I call bullshit, and so can YOU! During the night time, Bateman and God set out on their missions to bust the crime out of Gotham City, in what was soon considered by society to be a noble and kind venture! But, really, Bateman just wanted to clear his name so he could go back to abusing bats. But the public shall never know that, eh? *Wink* But, at the end of the day, busting suave idiots and crooked cops is really below a man who was born from a pencil as a lead and became a bat abusing millionaire. And the small-men-in-white-suits-and-dark-hats were still pursuing Bateman, so Bateman and God really needed to find something big, dastardly and evil to beat the shit out of, so Bateman could go back to what he considered to be his "normal" life. Now, I don't know how he could consider that sort of "stuff" normal, but he did. So accept it. Comprende?
- "Y so srs??????????"
- ―The Joker. Yes, he's joking.
When Bateman and God had escaped from Arkham Asylum, they'd left a big hole in the wall. Now, most of the inmates were too stupid to figure out what to do with broken chains and a hole in the wall, however one was just about smart enough to realize this was an opportunity to escape, and to climb out. He left a quip on the wall as he left, leading for this man to be called The Joker. We know, however, that his real name was Jack Napier, and he was some kind of relation to Bateman. It stands to reason, then, that the Joker is part pencil! Perhaps that's why he killed himself. The very indignity of being part pencil is a hard thing for any man to live by, unless you're a total idiot like
me Bateman. The Joker, however, was a bit too much for Bateman to handle, and soon this madman was running loose around Gotham City. Even God couldn't stop him immediately in his tracks, that's how strong he was! But no one knew where to find the Joker, or where he went, so Bateman and God couldn't track him down. Some people likened Bateman and God to Superman and Robin. But it was more like God was Superman and Bateman that whining little bastard Robin. And yet the incompetent imbeciles dynamic duo couldn't quite catch the Joker off their own steam, adding impetus to the cause of the little-men-in-white-suits-dark-glasses-black-hats-and-holding-lollipops. Bateman and God needed help.
By now, Bateman had a lot of fans. It beats me how an idiot like that can get so many fans, when God was really the one doing all the work, but he just did. So Bateman made the Kool Girlish Bateman club, or the KGB for short. Some people thought these men were cruel and horrible, and they broke stuff willy-nilly, but that's all the Administrators here do anyway, and we all love them, don't we? Besides, they had a cool hat. What's not to like about a cool hat? Yet even the KGB had problems tracking down the evil Joker, who really was a nice guy. I'm sure he was just misunderstood. Give him a big hug and we can make up and leave it at that, eh? Well, obviously not. So whilst the KGB worked to try and track down the Joker, Bateman, lazy shit that he is, decided instead to take it easy for a while. And he met a very nice ginger woman, who was able to tempt him out of his bat fetish for some time. She wore tight fitting spandex-esque clothes too so, despite their differing personalities, the two hit it off fairly well. After just one night, the two conceived a strange love child. The result of this night was the strange love child known only as Oscar Wilde. Odd, eh? Yeah. Well, Miss. Dent dissapeared soon after that, breaking Bateman's heart. He never saw her after that. *Sigh.* Women. Never as reliable or loyal as a good bat, eh Bateman?
Well, during all this time the KGB had got closer and closer to finding the Joker. And then he dissapeared. Yes, that's right. He dissapeared. Ta-Da! It dissapears. All from a magic trick. Wow. Now that is a real villain. And so, the KGB no longer had a use. It was disbanded, and Bateman realized he and God were pretty doomed. When you can't catch one man then you just know you're a loser. So those-little-men-in-white-suits-with-pens-and-glasses-and-black-hats caught up with Bateman and God. Using his magic skills, God escaped. But he was done with Bateman. (WE'RE, LIKE, DONE PROFFESIONALLY, eh Bale?) And so Bateman was returned to Arkham Asylum, where he couldn't get access to any bats or even any more spandex wearing women like Duela. Yeah. It's a hard life. Most people say this is where Bateman died, and his body was shipped out across the sea and left on an ice flow to float around for ever more. But this was never proved. Who knows? He might have escaped? But no more bats for Bateman. Poor guy.
Bateman be damned. Go read the Batman (Earth-Two) article, he's more fun, manly, macho, and deadly.
Personality and traitsEdit
- "NO, NO, SHUT THE FUCK UP BRUCE."
- ―Christian Bale to Bruce.
Bateman was an odd thing, probably due to his obsession with monkeys. Most scientists didn't describe Bateman as a "thing", or a "he". Instead, they described it as more of a "phenomenon". A phenomenon that could write books, eh? Handy to have around the place. Bateman was described by most of those who knew him as a little... emotionally unstable. And we mean that in the nicest possible way, of course. Perhaps due to his being deprived of bats whilst in Arkham Asylum, or being treated like the idiot he was? Who knows? I think we'll probably die before we know just why Bateman was so emotionally unstable. Perhaps it's just a particular trait of pencils. Perhaps not. At the end of the day, I really don't care, so I've just been wasting my time talking about nothing. Great.
Bateman was a bit of a talkative bastard. Actually, he just wouldn't be quiet! Life would have been so much better if only the pencil owned by the Joker had found it's way into what Bateman claimed was his "brain". Bateman's brain? Isn't that an oxymoron? That way, he'd have SHUT THE !@#$ UP, as requested by the great God Bale. Even the real God, Lucius Fox, grew tired of him eventually! That happens, in the end, eh? No one likes hearing Bateman talk, as whenever he opens his mouth rubbish seems to flow out. I'm sure he can help it. If he can't, he deserves to rot in Arkham Asylum anyway.
Bateman must have had some sort of way with the ladies, because he was able to bed Duela Dent. But, being not exactly male or female as he was, I really wonder what genitalia he had to be able to conceive Oscar Wilde. That's probably why Duela Dent ran away; she'd seen it and she knew the truth. Poor woman. Bateman just wasn't the same after that and, truth be told, he was an imbecile originally.
Talents and abilitiesEdit
Bateman didn't have many talents. Bateman was pretty shit at everything. The only talent he had possessed in his early life was the ability to be able to form a body and arms in a humanoid way from being just a pencil lead originally. Admittedly that's a very handy skill that we all wish we had, and that will and would come very helpful in life, but, still. It's just one talent.
In adult life, Bateman was a bit of a loser. He had no talents or abilities. God had to give him help with everything they did and then, later, the KGB. What a shit name for a group, eh? He didn't even have the talent to give a good name to his own group. If you can't do that you really are a loser, so I've got no sympathy for you when you rot in Arkham Asylum. No one does. We praise Arkham Asylum for keeping Bateman locked away.
He was slightly suave when it counted. But I think we all know that Duela Dent was drunk at the time. And, once she'd sobered up, she did run away, giving due credit to her. Pity he'd been able to conceive Oscar Wilde in her womb first. She must have been so pissed off at that. I know I would have been!
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