- "Truth, Justice, and the Pathetic way!"
- ―Captain Pathetic
Pathetic Pathetic became obsessed with Superman at a young age and went rogue trying to become Captain Pathetic, one of the many communist wannabes of America.
Road to Captain PatheticEdit
Believing that his Pathetic house was about to explode, negligent parent Pathetic-El blasted his infant child Pathetic-Pathetic into his neighbor's house with a rocket launcher. Here, Pathetic was discarded by the neighbors, who mistook him for Doomsday. Swearing revenge on Doomsday, Pathetic knew his next logical step would be to become the ultimate Anti-Superman, the communist threat of America.
Captain Pathetic made his debut by stealing a little girl's costume after she purchased it from a Haloween costume store. When the costume, designed to be an icon of cats everywhere failed to fit him, Captain Pathetic made some changes in the design. When he was ready, he marched on Superman's home city of Metropolis, announcing that the Day of Pathetic for America had come.
No one noticed.
Captain Pathetic was determined to prove himself. He stole top secret military designs for a para-fabric cape made by God especially for Christian Bale's latest movie, the Dark Night. With this, Captain Pathetic could glide effortlessly through the air. When he collided with Bale's jet liner however, he was sued by God. Thrown into jail when he tried to pay off his debt with his costume, Captain Pathetic decided he would fashion a so-called 'Pathetic Gun' from his own hair and use this to threaten the police into letting him out. While Pathetic was initially successful, he was re-arrested after being mistaken for Lex Luthor. After growing his hair back in prison, Captain Pathetic decided his day of revenge against Superman had come.
Flying through the air on his gliding cape, Captain Pathetic crashed headfirst into Superman, and exacted his day of revenge by spilling a cup of coffee all over Superman's new cape, infuriating the Man of Steel. Superman, in retaliation, hurled Captain Pathetic through three solid brick walls and back into his old cell at the prison. Serving another sentence for ruining Superman's cape, Captain Pathetic vowed revenge. When he wad released on good behavior, the first thing he did was to attack a boy who had won a Superman cape via a radio contest, and rip the cape to shreds. This landed him back into prison, and the public outcry convinced Captain Pathetic to go straight after being released again.
He used his money to hire out a taxi, to tour Metropolis, but the taxi driver laughed too hard at his costume, driving off the road and crashing into a tree. While the taxi driver was killed instantly, Captain Pathetic survived, laughed it off, then went to go buy a pizza at the nearby stand. Likewise, the pizza vendor laughed too hard at Pathetic's costume, accidently bumping into his mobile stand, knocking it into traffic, which caused the worst traffic accident in American history. Before he could be arrested, Captain Pathetic ducked into a fancy restaurant, where he thrown out for slipping beneath the dress code. It was then that Pathetic snapped, attacked the restaurant owner in a rage, was pummeled by said owner (a heavyweight boxing champion), and thrown back into jail.
When he got out of jail by scrounging bond money from hiring a homeless man to go out and find the needed change dropped in gutters near pay phones, Captain Pathetic was laughed out of Metropolis and went to Gotham City. Here, he became fascinated with the urban terrorist Bateman, and vowed to adopt the name and costume 'Killer Moth' to imitate him. Unfortunately, the name was already taken, and the real Killer Moth had Pathetic sued for copyright infringement. When he failed to pay, Moth had him beaten up by loan sharks.
Captain Pathetic managed to crawl to a nearby bar, frequented by such villains like Killer Croc, the Riddler, and Amygdala. He played a hand of cards with the Cavalier, but ended up losing his hairbow when he placed a bet on it. Captain Pathetic was ruined. He then sat at the counter, twiddling his thumbs and waiting for the bartender to turn his back so he could pinch his wallet. Unfortunately, the Cookie Monster of the Sesame Street Gang then entered, looking for action. He beat the Riddler and Killer Croc at poker. He also beat a macho Batman doppelganger, who vented his rage on Captain Pathetic, giving him a black eye and thrashing the counter.
This caused Captain Pathetic's rage to build, and when Doomsday challenged him to a poker gang, his personality split into four halves, one of which was an excellent poker player. Pathetic beat Doomsday, and they played a second game for Doomsday's communist island kingdom. Captain Pathetic won, and Doomsday went berserk, beating Pathetic half to death before he was subdued by the bartender and several other criminals.
The Reign of Emperor PatheticEdit
When he woke up in the leveled bar hours later, Captain Pathetic had been given another black eye. He did, however, remember that he was now legal owner of an island nation. He thus traveled there, and assumed the role of 'Emperor Pathetic' or the 'New and Improved Captain Pathetic', or just 'Emperor Raccoon' (The nickname given to him by the locals for his two black eyes). He adopted several of his favorite cartoon characters into his personal crest, and took to wearing a new costume. He also renamed the island 'Empire of Pathetic'. As part of his reform plan, he encouraged the military and police to throw their guns into the sea and take up baking cookies as a hobby.
Enraged, Doomsday invaded the island, and Captain Pathetic hastily formed the Pathetic Guard, his personal army (Consisting of him, his pet goldfish, and the cartoon icon Hello Kitty). But the odds were against Pathetic, and the Pathetic Guard was destroyed in an epic one second battle. It is astonishing that the Pathetic Guard were able to resist the angry locals and Doomsday for so long, as the entire island population had risen up in revolt. Doomsday hurled Captain Pathetic as far he could into the sea, then turned the island back into a Communist dictatorship.
Return to Gotham CityEdit
- "NO CAP, YOU CAN'T JOIN. Seriously, what part of 'You suck and we can't even be seen near you without paper bags over our heads like we are wearing now,' don't you get?"
- ―Killer Moth rejects Captain Pathetic for the Misfits.
Captain Pathetic returned briefly to Gotham City, to hang out at local nightclubs. He tried to join Killer Moth's group 'The Misfits' with other coolness-lacking villains, but he was thrown out for being too much of a loser, even for them. Shortly afterwards, he suffered a revival of self-confidence when he discovered his old pink hairbow, having been discarded by the Cavalier.
He tried to apply for positions in the Secret Society of Super Villains, but the Cavalier and Captain Stingaree blackballed him because he didn't own a top hat or monocle. Captain Pathetic managed to steal a top hat from Abraham Lincoln, briefly, but he still couldn't find a monocle by a set deadline, so the villains threw him out.
Captain Pathetic committed himself to Arkham Asylum, where he tried to back out after tasting the food cooked by Aunt Lumpy. During the Custard Rebellion when the Arkham inmates finally rose up to eliminate Lumpy and her horrible food, Captain Pathetic joined the onrush of patients freed by El Janitor. The Arkham Cell Keepers couldn't care less about what was happening, so they called in security, but did little else, knowing the one guard on the premises would fail.
Captain Pathetic fared rather poorly, running headfirst into a wall on the way to destroy Lumpy's kitchen and knocking himself out.
Captain Pathetic later asked the Joker for sick leave from Arkham due to the head injury he sustained during the Custard Rebellion, but instantly 'forgot' about his injury when it came time for Aunt Lumpy herself to be thrown into one of the asylum's padded cells, joining in the effort that finally vanquished her (although at the cost of El Janitor). When he went back to the Joker to continue the conversation, the anarchist immediately Sharpened Captain Pathetic's pencil because he found him annoying.
So, Captain Pathetic died. Not nearly soon enough, but he died anyway. Mourned by few, Captain Pathetic was derided, mocked and scorned for years after his death until everyone forgot about him to deride, mock, and scorn Killer Moth after his death, and soon no one remembered anything about him. And the Joker got his pencil sharpened.....