Baleman, also known as Christian Bale or Gotham Psycho was a man many men found to be "appealing". For some reason, only men liked Baleman in an addictive, twisted and fetish-like manner. We all know Sibi's a man, and Baleman's mother sure as hell doesn't like him! But, my dear Bale lover, (for that is why you are here, and don't you dare deny it!) let's not give sympathy to Bale's mother. For those filthy whores Bale condemns are not worthy of sympathy, love or any such emotions! Bale hath cursed them, and thou shalt not give sympathy to them nor love. Comprende?
Baleman's not a very nice man, really, in terms of personality. I can't see what anyone likes in his hunky figure, big pecs and manly attitude! Baleman was a mass murdering yuppie, known throughout Gotham City due to the fact his name was so similar to Bateman's, leading some people to get the two confused. But we all know Baleman was more badass, despite not knowing God so much. But Baleman's better than God, and we all know that, don't we? This led to his name being changed to Gotham Psycho in the eyes of the general public, because he was a bit... well... um... crazy?
- "Ground control to Major Bale..."
- ―David Bowie worships Bale too!
Baleman was born to a clown. Contrary to popular belief, Baleman's mother was not English. She was actually from the deep, dark depths of Gotham City, and was the lovechild of a night of passion between Oscar Wilde and Harley Quinn. Does that make her Duela Dent's sister? Yes. Yes it does. And so it stands to reason that Bale's mother was a firecrotch. Yes, you heard me. Bale's mother was a firecrotch. After Mummy Bale met a man, she named this man Dafid. Really, this man didn't know what his name was. He was a homeless loser from the deep, darks of Sesame Street, but Mummy Bale was having a bit of man trouble. So she took on Dafid. Really, Dafid took on her, seeing as she always claimed that she "was on top". Disturbing, eh? Well, still, Baleman was conceived not long after. A new age of glory was about to begin!
Dafid didn't last long. Being a bit retarded, Dafid sort of... dissapeared after a while. No one knows where. Some have suggested that Dafid became the Joker, but I'm sure that's not true. For Baleman has never yet beaten the shit out of his father. Such a reward is reserved for his mother! Yes, it is a reward, by the way. Getting touched by Bale is serious business! Just ask <insert name here> , or El Geeko Supremo! You see, Madclaw has not been touched by Bale. Bale was put off by all the fur. Poor Madclaw. Bale can be such a fucking gobshite at times. And may Bale forgive me for such a heretical comment. But, onwards with our tale!
Bale claimed his first kiss was with an acrobat called Barta. Really, this was one of his blonde hookers he's paid. But what he didn't know was that Barta was really the super-awesome-badass-flying-insectoid-weird-beast-thing, the Killer Moth! This imbued Bale with some sort of magic powers, the nature of which we do not yet fully know. Some have said, though, that this included the ability to be able to massage a fetus and hotwire a uterus. Handy habits to have around, I'm sure you will agree! That's what makes Baleman just so fucking awesome.
- "Thus giy iz, loike, obsesive!"
- ―George Bush.
There were quite a few things Baleman was obsessed with in his life. Baleman had an obsession with hookers. Perfectly normal, you might say, but Baleman was very specific about these obsessions. Baleman liked blonde hookers. Not brunettes, not gingers, but blonde hookers. He most definitely did not like dirty blonde hookers. And if Baleman doesn't like them, then why should we? Recant all faith you might have in dirty blonde hookers now, you fickle whore, or Baleman shall damn you for all eternity!
Another obsession of Baleman's was Huey Lewis. Some say this was Baleman's sole mancrush. Some say he just liked his music. All we know is he's called the Stig! But Baleman's raping of all the obsessions that man has ever collected doesn't stop there? (Really?) Yes, really! He also had an obsession for business cards, the Teen Titans being the pinnacle of his collection. Some have suggested that Bale had a special... thing for children, specifically Teens, specifically Titans. Has this ever been confirmed? Not yet. But it will be. It will be.
Bale's final obsession was with Jim Ignatowski. Bale liked men. Bale liked cars too. More specifically, Baleman liked Taxis. Bale liked the 70s. And Bale liked those little quaint religions that didn't worship him. As such, it follows that Baleman loved a religious, male, reverend that starred in a 70's television series called Taxi! Baleman never met Jim Ignatowski. But it was said that, in the middle period of his life, Sibi convinced Bale that she was the female embodiment of Ignatowski, and so Bale married her. Despite the fact she wasn't a hooker. Nor blonde. Nor was she even dirty blonde! She is lucky, is she not, that her womb was deemed fit by Baleman to impregnate?
- Delivery boy: "Pizza delivery! Wait... wait... stop that, don't do that!"
- Baleman: "Shut up and move with the Bale."
- — This needs no caption.
Who cares how Bale met Sibi. It doesn't matter. You shouldn't be thinking about that right now. What you should really be thinking about is that Bale didn't fuck and impregnate you. Yeah, wallow in misery about that like the rest of us. You have no idea how crazy that can make your mind go! El Geeko Supremo was sane, once, strange as that sounds. Until he discovered Sibi. If you're still sane right now and aren't mentally screwed up due to depression, then you should shoot yourself in the head with a pencil, for Bale is serious business! Baleman was not yet finished with Gotham City, though, despite having raped it of all it's hookers, business cards, Huey Lewis CDs and copies of Taxi, and after stealing Sibi from whatever stupid land that Bale grabber is from. At this time, Bateman was at large. Despite Bateman never having been at large, and never having been really famous. Well, I'm being relative. I don't expect idiots like you, <insert name here> , to understand.
There was one prize Baleman didn't have that Baleman wanted. The Gotham's most wanted criminal prize. Bateman at this time was focusing on taking down the Joker, that crazy raving hippie bastard, and it was now time for a little something Bale liked to call... Baleman Begins. Some suggest that this was in direct competition to Bateman Begins, but who really knows? Perhaps the Joker might know. Why don't you ask him? Why don't you bring him a pencil as a present too? He might be merciful. That'd be nice. Soon, Bateman began to beat Baleman. Bateman had his own fanclub, the Kool Girlish Bateman club, also known as the KGB. Baleman had no such fanclub. Nor did Bale have a new movie coming out called The Dark Knight. Poor Bale. After he was told The Dark Bale was something called "innuendo", and told to come up with a new name, Bale came up with a stroke of a name so original, so genius, that even God was shocked into wonder. The Dark Night.
Good, eh? And when Bateman died just like Heath Ledger, (and we're still not forgiving you for dying, Heath, you crazy bastard you!) the market was open for Baleman. Baleman started breaking stuff. Baleman started raping stuff. Baleman started killing stuff. It was said that, once, in a single night, Baleman broke 50000000,000,876 objects, raped 34500,567,00 people, and killed 7870,000,000. Impressive, eh? In a single night, Baleman had wrapped up the title of Gotham's Most Wanted to the degree of them having to create a whole new title. So what did they come up with? Gotham Psycho. That was Baleman, and Baleman was Gotham Psycho. Eventually, they caught Baleman. Baleman was forced to have a vasectomy, so he couldn't impregnate any more people. That was due to those insanely powerful mini-Bales having caused pregnancy in 99% of the people he raped. The other 1% were infertile men. Baleman must have let them do this, because he was too awesome to be caught. And so he broke free. No one knows where Bale is today.
Personality and traitsEdit
Baleman was an obsessive person. He took the term obsessive compulsive disorder to a whole new level. Bale had a strange liking for men, in addition to women. He onced punch the shit out of someone for suggesting he was hermaphrodite. They'd failed to cater for his love of both sexes. Baleman wasn't always friendly. Baleman was friendly to blonde hookers, but not dirty blonde hookers. Baleman wasn't friendly to his mother, but he was friendly to his sister. Who did not exist. Because Bale is that awesome his very existence nullifies the existence of any sister he might have. Or brother, even. Hail Bale. Hail Bail?
Baleman had a temper. He often threw large scale paddies, like a two year old baby. And yet we love him still. Can two year old babies punch the shit out of their mothers, or say the word "fuck" to a news reporter a disproportionate number of times during one of their paddies? No. Of course not. Therefore, loving Bale is still right. Still normal. And if you don't love him then Bale shalt hath no mercy on thy judgement day. Some say Bale was bigger than G*nk.
Talents and abilitiesEdit
- "WE'RE, LIKE, FUCKING DONE PROFESSIONALLY."
- ―Baleman to Bruce, once more. Except this time Bruce was really the Killer Moth.
Baleman could swear. Baleman could swear a lot. Baleman could swear a lot, repetitively and within the time restrictions that apply to YouTube videos. Amazing, eh? Bale is just that awesome. Bale can be hunky and sexual without appearing to be a whore. Bale can rape that many people within a night and not appear to be a whore. Bale can father hundreds of thousands of children and not appear a whore. Bale can do anything and people will still love him. Now that is a real man's talent, a real man's ability.
Bale can break, rape and kill so many people within a night he can supercede the Joker and be named Gotham Pyscho, the first to hold such a position. The position was invented for Bale, but seeing as Bale created the world you might say that Bale was invented for the position. When I say Bale's self made, he really is. Because he created the world. Not God. Yes, Bale has creationist abilities too.
And I could go on. But I won't.
Because this article would be over a million times it's length if I listed all Bale's talents.