- "Ooooooh.... seeeee can't you seeeeeee.... by the Torch's permanent liiiiiiiiiight..."
- ―The Human Torch, singing praise to his great country.
The Human Torch was American. Therefore, the Human Torch is magical, powerful, and imbued with strengths you wish you had but you But you are Russian bastard, therefore you do not fall under the American awesomeness. The Human Torch could turn himself on and off like a light. Why was this? Because he was made of fire. Yes, you heard me. Fire! In between saving the world from those Яussians, he enjoys long walks on the beach and making daisy chains. He had a bunch of girlfriends. The Human Torch and that huge dude often fought. Undoubtedly the Human Torch always won and was always in the right, because he's American, and American's always win and are always right. The Human Torch had the muscles of a bull and the pectorals of Rocky Balboa.
The light of America's greatness shines in his eyes and limbs, and he hates nothing more than those bastards who defect to the side of the Яussian Коммциізтs. The Human Torch spent his life engaging in a career of saving the kitties and sending ladies into a swoon. He was part of those men and women called the Awesome Foursome, which led many to confuse the Human Torch as a participant in a multiple participant sex act. His sister was hot, his brother-in-law really was not. We would make a judgement as to what the Human Torch was, but we've no need; he's American, therefore he's a true example of being hot both physically and sexually. Spider-Man was buddies with the Torch for a while; did you know that? Yeah? Well, now you do.
Some say he died as a result of being sprayed by a fire extinguisher. In reality, this was a ploy by the US government to make the Яussians think he was dead, so he could infiltrate their schemes.
- Man: "There was a fire in the rednecks library, dude. All two books got burnt, man, and one hadn't even been coloured in yet, buddy!"
- Human Torch: "I'm not your buddy, chum."
- — The Human Torches powers first manifested themself in a library.
The Human Torches' mother was hit by a car when he was little. This was due to sabotage on an unprecedented scale by
Saddam Hussein those crazy Russians. The car blew up. It went bang. And, with a flash of light, it sent missiles hurtling towards Alaska! Did they hit? Yes! All seven inhabitants of Alaska were dramatically killed. But the Torch didn't care about that; for what is the death of seven semi Americans compared to a real American's mother? It is nothing. You hear me? Nothing. Whatever the Russians might tell you, it's not true. Just ask the Torch. His Dad turned to the vice of all men, and no, this time it's not porn. He got drunk to the degree that his spleen got up and did rabid dances on the table at home, whilst the Torch and his sister used an accordion to make the beat. He got drunk to the degree that he ate live rabbits whole. And then he was arrested.
Damn Cops and their anti US attitude. They must have been KGB...
The Torches sister, in a valiant display of feminism that's reflecting the US attitude brilliantly, fended off those who would sell them drugs or sell them into prostitutes, and raised her brother by gaining money in a capitalistic, model US attitude. Ronald Reagan, the epitomy of American-ness at the time, summoned the pair and imbued them with powers of American-ism only a true American President can do. He then promptly hit the Torch round the head with a blowtorch accidentally, giving him not only flight but the ability to be a Human Torch. Now that is what I call American supremacy! In between Reagan shouting for those damn crazy Russians to tear down their God damn walls, the Human Torch began extensive training for the US Military (who are, always will be, always have been, always were designed to be and are always considered to be the best in the world) so that whenever he fucked with another country, they'd always welcome them as heroes and liberators. Because every country America invades is grateful.
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