- "I was better off dead!"
- ―Ivan Klimatovich to Hellboy, after being revived
Ivan Klimatovich, also known as The Dead Communist, wasn't as bad a guy as his nickname would make you think he was.
In fact, he was just living at home, trying to make an honest living when the CIA contracted him to infiltrate Lenin's army. If he didn't, his wife would be killed.
Instead, it turned out the mother of his two children had set him up so she could be Stalin's bitch. He was cut in half at the midsection, and, still not dead, shot through the skull.
He was layed to rest in a Russian graveyard, where decades later, but what seemed like the next minute to him, he was resurected to aid Hellboy in finding his way to the evil Gregori Rasputin's inner layer.
Of course, the group would get separated, leading to Ivan, on Hellboy's back, quickly realizing this wasn't going to end well.
But he was already dead. What worse could happen to him?
Ivan saw through his surprisingly unscathed pupils that they had come to a bridge. The big red monkey leaned over the railing, and it fell with a clank to the ground. Hellboy asked if Ivan was okay, and Ivan cockily retorted that he'd kick his ass... if only he had the legs to do so.
Hellboy got annoyed and handed Ivan over to his human sidekick. Suddenly Ivan wasn't so cocky. At least he was semi-safe in the hands of a demon.
The door clattered shut behind them. Ivan groaned, knowing this was going badly. Hellboy and his "supposed" superior got into an argument over something in English.
Suddenly, a huge hammer hit the bridge, sending the sidekick and Ivan to their deaths.
Well, supposed deaths.
Since Ivan had been resurrected by Hellboy, he couldn't go back to eternal sleep without him .
So, for thousands and thousands, he lay there, water seeping in, the structure collapsing, bugs crawling on him. Nothing to do, missing both arms and his chest, losing his mind.
It wouldn't be until humanity was extinct that he was found by monkey like squids, who he thought were his saviors.
Instead, he was put in a museum. Left there to watch squid kids baang on his glass, and old squids talk about how the idea of humans actually existing was a blight against their gods.
The most unlucky man in the world.
|Dark Horse Comics|
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