"I'm impervious to everythi-- oh no, a pebble!"

― Superman

Kryptonite is the most deadly substance in the entire universe unless you are not Superman. But for everybody else, it's pretty much harmless. Flaky pieces of the asploded planet Krypton, these shiny green bars will kill all Kryptonians dead. Through some... idunno, it's like a magic zombie ray thing that makes them die.

And Superman starts flailing around, and coughing up blood... it's pretty funny to watch it happen. You would enjoy it. Both Lex Luthor and Batman carry the stuff around in spades, for emergencies, or sometimes even recreational use.

VariationsEdit

Types of KryptoniteEdit

• Green Kryptonite just kills you and stuff.
• Blue Kryptonite does not kill you, but it does other stuff.
• Red Kryptonite does some third thing.
• Yellow Kryptonite makes you very hungry for chinese food.
• Gold Kryptonite makes your girlfriend's boobs larger.
• Plaid Kryptonite makes you very distracting-looking.
• Pink Kryptonite makes you GAY LOLZORZ.
• Kryptonite Kryptonite acts like kryptonite for itself. It's pretty much the most useless kind.
• Black African-American Kryptonite turns you into a blaxploitation hero. The effects are completely irreversible. Once you go black, you never go back.
• Mystery Kryptonite can be any one of the other kinds. It was created as a promotional event to popularize the product when Kryptonite sales were going down. It also comes in a number of flavors.

Drug useEdit

Main article: Drugs

Broken up from its solid form, "rocks" of Kryptonite can be heated up with a little baking soda and used as a stimulant. Although Metropolis was plagued with a serious Kryptonite addiction epidemic during the mid-80's, local police have since been able to crack down on the drug trade.

Other health risksEdit

Main article: STDs

Unfortunately, over-exposure to Kryptonite even in normal humans can lead to a dread condition called Kryptonite Crotch, a sexually transmitted disease characterized by large diamond-shaped rock-hard protuberances emerging from your testicles and/or labia. Unfortunately, there is no known cure for Kryptonite Crotch. But patients willing to shave their genitals with a diamond cutter may be able to avoid risk of spreading it to their partner.

External LinksEdit

• Kryptonite at the DC Database
• Kryptonite at Wikipedia.org

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