- Aunt Lumpy: "Do you want dinner?"
- Inmate: "Sure, what are my choices?"
- Aunt Lumpy: "Yes and no."
- — Aunt Lumpy to an inmate.
Lumpy Custard, also known as Aunt Lumpy, Chef Custard, Lumpy McSexington or that fat old bitch, was the self proclaimed Chef of Arkham Asylum, where she cooked up bouts of Terrible Tofu, Reeking Risotto and, on occasion and by special demand only, Shitty Salad. Aunt Lumpy was kind of like the aunt from hell that you never really wanted. Except she wasn't your Aunt, and you didn't never really want her; you never wanted her at all. I'm not sure where Aunt Lumpy learnt to "cook", and I'm sure you aren't either, but I'm sure it must have been from something as stupid as a pencil, for the sole reason that she really couldn't cook. Her Ghoulish Goulash was disgusting, for one, and it was said that Deadpool lost what little reason and sensibility he had left after trying some of Aunt Lumpy's soup. The Joker actually suggested that this soup was so disgusting because it was self squeezed from Aunt Lumpy's breasts. No theories arose to disprove this one, so this was the general rule of thumb when dealing with Aunt Lumpy; all her food came from one of her body parts or another.
So you do not want to try it if she offers you roast camel toe; God knows where that came from.
Aunt Lumpy's food was eventually sampled by the administration of Arkham Asylum, after their pizza delivery was hijacked by a certain someone. They deemed her food too strange and twisted even for the inhabitants of Arkham Asylum, and so locked her up in the Asylum for claiming to be a Chef. Which, if you knew Aunt Lumpy, obviously was the right move. She was fed her own food and ended up dead. Thank God.
- "Aunt Lumpy has to be the worst cook ever. She's so bad, we pray after we eat."
- ―An unfortunate inmate.
No one knows where Aunty Lumpy came from or was born from. Some suggest that Harlequin knew her as a little girl and so the only answer to this question resides with Harlequin. Seeing as Harlequin doesn't even know anything about her own life, we can't trust her with Aunt Lumpy's. Especially when we all know that she probably hated Aunt Lumpy, and she definitely did when she tasted her food. Perhaps that's why she was so crazy and evil? Perhaps. Aunt Lumpy was once little. Although when we say "little", we mean in terms of age; Aunt Lumpy's always been a fat whore, but without the ability for anyone to buy into her whore-ness. Now, Aunt Lumpy's original name was Lumpy McSexington, but she took on the name "Custard" thinking it to be more "appropriate" than "McSexington". She also took it on after she made herself the self proclaimed Head Chef of Cheffery and Dickery At Cookingsborough Local Primary School. The teachers there had little to do with the decision, but some crackpot called the Music Meister gave her the position.
The truth of the matter is that she terrified the children so much that half of them ended up traumatised and the other half dead. It was suggested that the Joker gained his madness after a child of his was killed by Aunt Lumpy. It was also suggested that Starfires ability to be resilient to this made her the person she is today. But none of these were ever confirmed, and Lumpy Custard caught wind of the plan to arrest her (no, quite literally, one of the police offers broke wind which told her this) and so she escaped, needing something else to do with her life where she could wreak her eviltude in cookery without having to worry about being fired, the authorities or being raped. Although this made no sense, it did in the world of Aunt Lumpy. And so she took on her new name, Lumpy Custard, which is what she'd heard one of the children refer to her better dishes as.
Cooking for the inmatesEdit
- "Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores? "101 Ways to Wok Your Dog!""
- ―I'm afraid to say Auntie Custard was a bit racist at times.
Having escaped, Auntie Lumpy was loose on the streets of Gotham, with nothing but a cook book to protect her from the dangerous men of Gotham City like Baleman, the Teen Titans and Madclaw. The good news was that her food was pretty good at detracting all but the most ardent of rapists. The bad news was that nothing bad happened to her because no one was mad enough to rape that ugly bitch. Without work, Auntie Custard had to find something to do with her copious amounts of free time, with which she was doing little but making her vile concoctions and selling them to the poor for highly reduced prices. And so, she came to Arkham Asylum. Arkham Asylum's last cook had been eaten after a few inmates broke free and ate her (mmm, tasty with salt) therefore they needed a new one. They were willing to accept a new cook without any prior assessment, and so Lumpy Custard got in. Some people suggested that this was due to her selling ice cream as a sample of her food.
To be fair, a lot of what Aunt Custard did wasn’t bad…
It was atrocious. No one knows what Aunt Custard’s secret ingredient was, but it supposedly tasted like the hair of an ox wrapped in a packet of tobacco, dropped in the shell of a tortoise (which had been lightly buffed and varnished to shine) and roasted in the juices of stewed toenails. Eaten and regurgitated by a gorilla first. This kind of affected her popularity ratings so much that even Superman (Pimp from the Stars) (who liked everybody as they were his comrades) hate her.
That's when you know you've got problems, and Aunt Custard definitely did have problems. And Aunt Custard's problems involved Tofu. Lots of Tofu. The people over at Wal-Mart (or as Superman called it Wal-Marx) began to get to know her really well, and even gave her discounts on Tofu! Probably because she offered to cook for them in return.
- "Jewish cookbook, step one, you "borrow" one egg."
- ―Aunty Lumpy's first step to cookery.
The inhabitants of Arkham Asylum were actually there to be rehabilitated and to be made "normal" again, because they're just a bit strange and twisted. But, actually, Aunt Lumpy's food did exactly the opposite. It was cheap. It was hairy as a Wookiee. And it was able to be produced in bulk. So they continued to pay, more and more, each bit going down the great gorging throat of Aunt Lumpy. The police had, by now, stapled her stomach, because she ate so bloody much that it was somewhat... unhealthy. And yet her food was unhealthy from the Arkham inmates.
Eventually, the Arkham inhabitants got so fed up of Aunt Custard's cooking that they rose up in revolution and broke out of their cells solely to destroy her kitchen and kill Aunt Custard. Whilst they were successful in destroying her kitchen, unfortunately they weren't able to kill Aunt Custard. At the last minute, she shovelled her infamous tofu into the mouths of her would be killers, meaning that they died instead.
After this, Aunt Custard was given a full time guard so that her Tofu wouldn't be lost for the inmmates. Although it was so disgusting, the Arkhampedia Administrators didn't know about this (actually, we did but we like to cause people pain) and so they kept Aunt Custard in her position as Cook at Arkham Asylum, despite the complaints of the inmates. But the inmates were all batshit crazy anyway, and we've never listened to them.
Eventually, however, she fed the Cell Keepers shitty food too, and they got bored of her. Throwing Aunty Custard in a cell (which involved the combined efforts of many Cell Keepers and inmates alike) Aunty Custard was thrown into a cell, where the inmates tore her apart and fed her to each other in an epic battle.