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- ""Ice" to meet you."
- ―Worst joke ever
Mister Freeze is the Gotham City supervillain with a cold-gun. Not to be confused with Mrs. Freeze, <insert name here> 's wife.
From the creators of the Joker, Arkhampedia Productions bring you the suckiest villian since the Killer Moth, Directed by Bob Kane, and Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mr. Freeze! Petty criminal who robbed porn stores to help his sick wife turned super villain by getting pushed into a vat of nuclear waste and Ice cream by a drunk Baleman. Using his "cool" abilities he "froze" the competition and "snowed" on Batman's parade.
Victor Fries (Pronounced Viketour Freeze) was a demented little child. He took to the bad habit of freezing little animals alive. His parents, Susie Fries (Pronounced Sizey Freeze) and David Fries (Pronounced Dyvide Freeze), sent him to St. Gitmos's
Terrorist Touture Center Center for Insecure Hooligans.
Nora, Macgregor, and MarioEdit
After Fries' eight year period at St. Gitmo's, he met the love of his life, Nora (Pronounced <insert name here>
). They married and became happily in love until Nora was diagnosed with MacGregors disease (Pronounced MawkGreegors Dyzeez), an incurable disease. Fries did what he knew best, he froze her like the little animals he had when he was a
demented freak child. This was so he could work on the cure with his fifth grade education without his love dying.
He became a petty thief to fund his research. He needs better tools. A playdoh knife and a Hasbro microscope for ages three and up just wasn't going to cut it. He made many succesful robberies at Porn stores, supermarkets, clothes stores, delies, and barber shops until one night he was found robbing a deli on thirty first and Washington. The deli is known as Mario's. They have very good bagels, y'know? Nice and crispy on the outside, but soft on the inside, the perfect combo...Ah. Anyway he managed to escape the clutches of Gotham's Finest, but was in hot pursuit when he reached a nuclear power plant that was also storing ice cream and was convintently placed three blocks down from the deli he was robbing.
Fries ran into the nuclear power plant and found a drunk Baleman now getting high off the toxic fumes. Baleman had just come back from beating up his mom and sister when he saw Fries. He thought the petty criminal was his sister coming back for more and well...
- "Come back for more, eh? Well take some of this, bitch!"
- ―a drunk/high Baleman
And thus, Mr. Freeze (Pronounced Fries) was born. Or was he?
As a SupervillianEdit
Fries named himself Captain Cold (Pronounced Capetin Cooled), but was sued three days later by retired supervillian and enemy of the Flash, Captain Cold (Pronounced Captain Cold). Fries lost on his life savings putting him fifteen years behind his search for the cure of MacGregor's disease.
Iceman & MoreEdit
Fries tried Iceman but was now thirty years behind in his search for the cure. He tried Killer Frost. Forty five years behind. Iceberg. Sixty. Finally after being three million dollars in debt Fries chose Mr. Freeze (Pronounced Fries) and continued on his search for the cure.
Freeze decided to make his first major heist on a yacht full of enourmasly rich Gotham couples who spoke like they were in slow motion. "Weeeeeeeellllllll weeeeeeee tooooooooook thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaattt baaaaaaaiiiiiiilllloouuuuut monnnnnnnnnnnney annnnnnnnd weeeeeeennnnt ooonnnnn a triiiiiiiip toooo Scooooottlaaaaaaaaaaaaand."
He stole a speedboat and sailed out to the yacht of rich Gothamites and climbed on to it. The second he walked on to the main deck he was laughed at. I mean. come on, he looks like some mad scientist in an astronaut suit that makes him look like he has a woman's breasts and holding what looks like a toy gun. What was he thinking? Anyway, he froze a couple people and exclaimed the most infamous pun ever:
- "Ice to meet you!"
Don't ever repeat that. Ever. Every time you say it, a little puppy dies. A cute puppy. Not the ugly ones. They can go to hell for all I care. So a cute puppy died and everyone was pissed so Mr. Freeze told everyone to "cool down" and just "chill". Of course that just pissed everyone else off so he said "Everyone chill" and fired off his ice gun. At this time Batman arrived and tried to apprehend Mister Freeze only to become a victim of the "icey sensation thats sweeping the nation!". Of course the ice was more of a frost than anything and Batman beat the living shit out of Freeze and sent him to jail. Of course Mr. Freeze yelled, "You can't put me in the cooler! My wife will freeze without me!" No one knew what it meant so his wife froze to death because she wasn't under his constant care.
After Mr. Freeze was released when his case was turned over due to a legal technicality. He wasn't read his rights or some crap like that. No big escape plan in jail, no killings, no nothing. He walked on a technicality. What kind of supervillian is that. More like Superwussy. Bah!
Anyhow, Freeze returned home to find his wife dead and swore vengance against Batman by killing Gotham Police Commissioner James Gordon. Mr. Freeze had this crazy idea that Batman and Gordon were having an affair because they met alone on rooftops a lot. It was never confirmed, but Mr. Freeze decided if Batman took his wife's life, Mr. Freeze would take Batman's partner's life. It was a stupid plan for many different reasons, but Freeze went through with it. He started by stealing a gun from a dollar store (it later turned out that it was a cheap plasic toy with some orange paint and a flashlight thrown on it.) Then he stalked Gordon for two days getting arrested twice only to be released with a $250 dollar fine each time. Then, Freeze broke into Gordon's office and hid behind a lamp for three hours until Gordon showed up. Unfortunately, Gordon was able to beat Freeze senseless and subdue him with a Pencil from his desk before shooting him seventeen times with his police issue revolver. It was then Commissioner Gordon realized that Freeze's gun was a plastic toy.
Having failed miserably in his quest, Freeze turned to drinking at a local bar frequented by the Riddler, Amygdala, and Killer Croc. He fared rather poorly in a poker game, losing his toy gun to Maxwell Lord and his gloves to a security guard who worked at the bar. The guard recommended Arkham Asylum for the down-and-out villain's dream vacation spot, so Freeze committed himself.
Mister Freeze was later glimpsed during the infamous Custard Rebellion to destroy the Arkham kitchens and get rid of Aunt Lumpy once and for all. Sprung from his cell by El Janitor, the janitor at the asylum, Freeze and Kite Man joined the revolt and rushed the cafeteria. Here, they were stalled by the security guard Freeze had met at the bar, now in Arkham's employ.
The guard was trampled in the mad onrush, and Freeze lagged behind to snag the security man's keys, which he used to break into the Arkham storage room, where the weapons of Captain Cold (The same one who had sued Freeze) were stored ever since one of his brief incarcerations at the asylum. Among the weapons, Mister Freeze discovered a 'cold gun', which resembled his old toys but could really freeze his targets solid. He then joined the other inmates in attacking Aunt Lumpy's kitchen. While the inmates, assisted by El Janitor, were successful in thrashing the kitchen, they failed to kill Lumpy. Freeze managed to freeze the cook's mouth shut with Captain Cold's gun, but she incapacitated him by shoveling her infamous tofu down his throat. She used the tofu against the other inmates, killing several and holding the others at bay.
Freeze took advantage of the confusion to flee Arkham, and he managed to be one of the few survivors of the tofu due to his unique body chemistry. Vowing to retire from his life of crime, Freeze nonetheless broke his vow seconds later when he attacked Police Commissioner Gordon (again). Once more committed to Arkham Asylum, Mister Freeze really retired from his life of crime to manage the Iceberg Lounge, a trendy nightclub in Gotham City.
When Maxwell Lord was resurrected and took over Batman's 'Brother Eye' Satellite, he unleashed his OMACS, or Obsessive Motorized Affronted Cool Surprises on the globe by sending them disguised as Christmas presents to the orphan children of the world. The OMACS infected them, and anyone they came into contact with, with irresistible urges to enter politics, commit suicide, or turn themselves into Arkham Asylum. Mister Freeze was briefly seen among the hordes of infected OMACS, and was apparently affected by the hordes of Gotham citizens on their way to commit themselves to Arkham.
The OMAC effect gave Freeze a wicked urge to enter politics. Selling the Iceberg Lounge to the Penguin, Mister Freeze was last seen running for office in California.
The results of his political career remain unknown; although several 'VOTE FREEZE' posters have been seen still plastered over a wall in Killer Moth's hideout, suggesting that Moth has supported Freeze in his election for U.S. governor of California.
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