How To Be Russian (In 3 Easy Steps)01:00

How To Be Russian (In 3 Easy Steps)

Russian Cultural Superiority

Founded by President Abraham Lincoln, Mother Russia used to be run by a despotic tsar named Mohtar Rusha, who used vampires named Cossacks to do his evil bidding. One Cossack named Mikhail was rented to a Bateman villain called Dr. Death. Another Cossack died trying to fight a wimp over a comfy bed. In any scenario, that bastard Seth MacFarlane came to Russia in the early 20th century and threw a copy of American Dad's first season into space. After a year, it crashed down on Rusha's head, making him immortal and giving him a hatred for anything that remotely represents American family values. Renamed Vandal Savage, Rusha tried to kill the Justice League of America by holding them at gunpoint in the Mystery Machine and forcing them to order a pizza pie from a pizzeria right next to it. The JLA would have to pay for it! BWAHAHA! But Superman was there and snapped the pizza guy's neck before he could leave the pizzeria, foiling Savage. Later on, Spider-Man and Karl Marx would take up residence in Russia, infecting Vandal Savage's mind with Communism. Thus, Savage changed his name once more, this time to Joseph Stalin after his college roommate, and changed Russia's name to The Mighty Not-Tsar's Soviet Union of Idiots and Dick Dastardly. As Stalin, Savage made everyone stuff toast into their underwear, but fellow dictator Darkseid took control of Stalin's mind and made him end the Soviet Union. Russia was reborn, however, thanks to President Fred Fredburger.

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